Sermon from April 27: You don't have to fear doubt

Awhile back, I had a conversation with my children about growing up. At night I usually carry Sarah up the stairs, and one night I mentioned to her that one day she was going to get too big for me to carry her up the stairs. Well, she didn't like that one bit. She wanted to remain little! But it did lead to an interesting conversation about when people do stop growing. I said that it was around the time they were a late teenager. After that they wouldn't grow anymore, but just be that height for the rest of their lives. But I was quick to add, that one of the interesting things that sets apart from the animals is that even though we reach physical maturity at that time, we don't stop growing inside. We keep growing emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. In fact, that was one of our defining characteristics as people. I think she was a little perplexed. Don't you learn everything? Don't you finish school? The answer of course is no, you don't. There is always more to learn and figure out and experience and explore. That is one of the great things about life.  If we choose, we can continue to explore for the rest of our lives.

Over the last several weeks we have been talking about aspects of spiritual growth: meditative reading of scripture, discipleship, prayer and so on. Today I want to talk about a little appreciated catalyst for spiritual growth, but one I think we all struggle with, I am speaking of doubt. It is little appreciated because it seems to be the opposite of spiritual growth, the opposite of faith. In fact, some places of scripture seem to support this. We look at the letter of James where James writes: Ask in faith, never doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. It seems very simple. But there are other places where doubt is much more complex. Abraham, who is the father of faith, trusts God, but doubts whether it will work out like God suggests. And one of my favourite verses where Jesus says he will heal the one who believes, and the man cries out "I believe, but help my unbelief."

I think that this is an incredibly important topic. I speak with lots of Christians in all seasons of life and used to be surprised when after a little while of conversation people would take on a quiet air of confession. There are things that I struggle with, things that I doubt. Now, it can be intellectual doubts: I don't really understand or know if I believe that Jesus is the son of God. Or it can be doubts because of sickness or suffering: I don't know if God is really with me. Or it can be around fear: I don't know if I can do X. I don't know if I have what it takes. And they think there is something wrong with their faith. But I have learned, there is nothing wrong with their faith. In fact, for many of us, sometimes I wonder if all of us, doubt is actually part of spiritual growth. What do I mean?

To think through this I want to look at the story of Thomas this morning from the Gospel reading. I love the apostle Thomas and not just because I am the rector of this church! I really think he gets a bad rap getting called doubting Thomas. For three reasons. First, from the other stories in the gospels we know Thomas to be a stand up guy. He is loyal, passionate and brave, willing to give his life for his friends. Second, while yes he doesn't believe right away because he doesn't see, it always gets missed that he is only asking for what all of the other disciples got. An encounter with the risen Jesus. They saw; they touched. But we don't hold it against them! And third, and this is the real point I am trying to make. Thomas is an integral part of this story so that we, those who come after and who do not encounter the risen Jesus physically, can understand what it means to believe and have faith. The Gospel writer John, knows that the figure of Thomas doubting is essential for us who struggle for belief.

Remember what I said last week. The author of the Gospel, John, is a poet. The stories are a surface meaning, but they are part of a deeper purpose which he gives us in vs. 30 and 31. Here he tells us that there are lots of different things that Jesus did  that aren't written here. In the next chapter he expands on this in one of my favourite verses in the bible: If they were all written down, I suppose the whole world could not contain the books that would be written. The point is that all of all this material he chose this particular story because we needed to hear it. Why? Because we who come after are in the same position as Thomas. We have not encountered the risen Christ physically. The only way we can unite with him is through faith. So John walks us through what this looks like: Thomas hears, but doesn't believe. Most crucially, what he doesn't believe is the testimony of his friends. He thinks they are hallucinating. Then he sees and touches Jesus and believes in a big way. And then he tells others. He can now say, I know it can be hard to believe, but let me tell you my story. Thomas is in fact the crucial link for many of us who want to believe but find it hard.

I was one of those. I think I have told you some of my story before. I had not been a Christian through school; in fact, was quite antagonistic to the church. Then I met a good friend who was very authentic as a Christian, and in our conversations he made me realize some truths about myself that I didn't want to admit. As one pastor has written, the truth will set us free, but for awhile it can be a very unpleasant experience!* But I still couldn't quite step over the line. And this lasted for awhile. Until I learned an important thing about doubt: Doubt is not a no; it is standing between yes and no. Let me say that again: Doubt is not a no; it is standing between yes and no. It is an in between position. It is not being able to answer either way. It is possible to stay here. But what I found is that it is also possible to step out in faith. To decide to move forward. For me, I had fallen in love with Jesus. I loved his message of hope and grace. I loved his vision of a new creation marked by love and justice. I loved his promise of forgiveness and a second chance, and a third chance, and a fourth chance. I found the story of death and resurrection so powerful. I loved the idea that his spirit would dwell within me guiding me and strengthening me.I was so pulled; I wanted Jesus. But was it all real or just the most profound story ever told? And I went back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And I did this for months. Then I realized that this was similar to getting married I suppose. Will this work out; will we be faithful; will we make it over the long run? Questions that cannot be answered before hand. You have to make the decision first, and then live into it. That is what I came to the conclusion. I didn't have to have answers to all of the fiddly details or really understand or believe all of the beliefs that the church has come up with over the years. But I did have enough to want to say yes. So I made the decision to say yes. 

And it was not: and he lived happily ever after. I have spent my whole Christian life wrestling, but I have learned that this forced me to grow in ways that I never would have otherwise. Because if you do a lot of wrestling, you only get stronger and better. This is what I have learned. There are different kinds of doubt, and all of them can be put to good use. The first for instance is the most obvious kind, intellectual doubt. Jesus asks us to believe and we find it hard. Or for some, I believe Jesus; I just don't know if I believe everything the church has come up with. My advise if you struggle with this is not to deny it. Wrestle. Move forward. Ask your questions. Look through the scriptures. Read the history and how other Christians have answered your questions. Sit with the answers; meditate on them. Just keep moving forward. You will grow through the process. You may not land where you intended. I have found that processes have a way of going in odd directions. Also, be honest. Why do you doubt? What are your emotional reasons as well? Where have you been hurt? Don't keep it on just an intellectual level. Listen to your mind and your heart. Search for truth. I believe God will honour this seeking. For he says, seek and you will find.

But there is also another kind of doubt; the doubt of abandonment. This is with people who do believe and trust in God, but in difficult times find that they have no sense of his presence or love. The don't doubt his truths, they doubt that he really cares or loves. I have also struggled with this. But I have found a helpful wisdom about this in the book I use as a prayer book. The writer gives us a helpful concept that our God is a seasonal God. Here is what he writes:

I have observed through the years that most Christians have little understanding of the word season. Our Lord is a seasonal God; he comes, he departs. His faithfulness never changes, but his seasons do! There are seasons when the tree is green there are seasons when it is dry, and seasons when, for the life of us, the things looks dead. No does this mean you are serving some capricious God who comes and goes by whim? Or, could it be, that it is only through seasons that true growth may come?

I think this is the right answer. I have found that it is easy to be faithful when all is well; but I don't grow as strong as when I learn what being faithful looks like when things are hard. I think God doesn't so much want us to feel spiritually happy as he does that we are spiritually strong.

Another kind of doubt is fear. It is no accident that Jesus has to keep saying, don't be afraid. Most of us struggle with fear of some kind. Something we don't want to do, or don't think we can. Something we have done and don't want people to know. Being overwhelmed and not sure we will ever dig out. This is perhaps the biggest invitation to growth; at least it has been for me. Because the fact is, God has a habit of asking people to do things that are scary to them. As John Ortburg puts it, God often calls us to follow Peter and get out of the boat and walk on the water. The boat is of course what is comfortable, and the water is our fear. But if we get out, we are changed. As Ortburg puts it, "There is always a changed life. Those who say yes to God's call don't walk the walk perfectly. But because they say yes to God, they learn and grow even from their failures. And they become part of his actions to redeem the world. Those who say no are changed too. They become a little harder, a little more resistant to his calling, a little more likely to say no the next time." 

And from this perspective, we can see why doubt is important for growth. It is a catalyst that can propel us forward if we choose to move forward. The point is ultimately not belief, or answers or the feeling of God's love or even courage. All of these are means to an end. As John the writer puts it, reflecting on Thomas' experience. These things are written, so that by believing, or better through believing, YOU MAY HAVE LIFE. The point is life, fullness of life, eternal life. When you are in Jasper on the top of a mountain, and the scenery is so beautiful, and you are exilerated from your climb, and the air is so fresh and you are so alive, awake, joyous. You don't ask philosophical questions. You just live, fully. 

In our lives, we are not yet on the mountain, we are walking still through the woods on the way. We will get there, but not yet. There is a ways to go. Love where you are; learn from this walk; grow stronger in wisdom, love and character. Jesus is with you. Do not be afraid of doubt. Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. You are on the way to life eternal.

* Reference was to Rick Warren